Second Life has ruined my son's life!!!!

Tags: Second Life + RPG games + online gaming + games

MelodyL
MelodyL posted on Dec 3rd 2007 7:22PM

I am the mother of a 26 year old young man. He moved away from home at the age of 20. I have no idea if Second Life was around 6 years ago, but let me make one thing perfectly clear. Second Life should be banned from every home everywhere. It is an addiction that takes hold and takes over one's life. I had no clue what my son was doing. He is 26, does not work, gambles, and goes on the computer. That is his life.

He was diagnosed with Aspergers Disorder when he was 21. He was not living at home at the time. It seems that many people with Aspergers do not like other people, do not like to socialize, and choose, as their avatars, Androids in Second Life. Do any of you know what it is like to have a child, and then lose that child to a compuer virtual reality world? I know what this is like. It has happened to me and my family. I do not know who my son is anymore. I don't even know what he looks like. He doesn't care about anything but Second LIfe. I believe he lives, sleeps and eats this virtual reality world. I joined it, just to see what the heck he was doing all day. I had to choose an avatar, and there was my son, inviting me to go flying with him. I admit, it was nice for about 10 minutes. Going shopping and such. It's a nice place to get away for an hour or so once in a while. But to live in this world, to never leave your home, to have no friends, to not have a girlfriend. To not exercise, walk around the block, etc., well, you must understand. This is the same as drinking, drugging, or gambling. It's an addiction. It destroys families.

My son went to college and is brilliant. As are most users in Second Life, I would imagine. But to not see your mother for 6 years. To not call your father when he is in the hospital. To actually tell your parents, "you are no longer a priority in my life". Well, to me, the founders of Second Life should be arrested and put away for life.

They have destroyed families. Shame on them.

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Comments

Guest

boatbumm says:

I agree. Second life will ruin your real life through temptation and unfulfilled fantasies. Happened here. Lives ruined. Research the facts about this vile past time before proceeding. Play something tamer, like Grand Theft Auto.
Posted: 01/11/08 22:55

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

My son is now lost to us completely. He has 3 accounts in Second Life. All his avatars are robots. On the screen where you have to give some information about youself and your background, he has written "I don't want to tell you anything about myself".

I think Second Life, reels you in, sucks you in, and then you are so addicted to this game, well, you can't stop it. It should be pulled off the web. But that is just my opinion. But I used to be a mother. What a shame. I have lost my son.
Posted: 01/12/08 13:15

Guest

Josh says:

I also agree i fought with my GF for 4 hours last night cuz of this game i play MMO's "Massive Multi-player Online games like WoW and FF11 and so did she until she found 2nd Life... now she plays this games at least 7 hours a night and if left unchecked would play it form 12pm - 4am "she has b4" But you can't blame the game to a certain degree it the people that pull them selfs into it i'm 60/40 but i DO NOT care for this game in the slightest my GF goes Clubing in the game "dances and chats with other losers" how could that be interesting for more than a couple of hours? in fact i'm almost to the point of "internet crime" "a virus to free the people from the "MATRIX" the blue pill or the red pill? should have eaten the blue pill! i love my GF and it seems she gets enjoyment out of this crappy game... so i let her play, i see it consuming her life like it has done many others
Posted: 01/26/08 10:32

Guest

RJ says:

I also agree, I have ton of friends who play other games, my brother has his wife play with him on WoW and before that EQ. 2 Weeks ago my GF wanted to play SL so I helped her get it on the PC. In a week and half I found her email open where she was writing emails to some guy, to say the least, it was emotionally crushing to me. I know people flirt and chats, but thats it when its done its done, and in gameplay. SL has no point, the main point is to let people escape and live a fantasy. Within 1.5 week my GF has been playing at night for 2-4 hours, we have fought over it already and it really scares the crap out of me. This is the girl I was planning to marry, but she is getting engulfed in this realm. I work in IT and have chatted online for a long time, I even had the so called online gf, that I ended up talking on the phone to, she lived far away we never met and as most its just a casual thing this was ten years ago. In SL, its a 3d realm, people can look like what ever they want, since SL my GF has even put a myspace page and I have no idea what to do, up until 2 weeks ago she spent time updating her resume, and looking for a new job now she seems dispondant and withdrawn, and for the most part waiting for me to leave or go to sleep so she can get on the game. A 4.5 year relationship is falling apart because of this, she says its only a game and it keeps her busy, and lets her release stress. But any outlet that you can address emotional bonding, either sex, or just vent about issues and your significant other to unknown people gives the sense of false security. It creates and emotional bond with someone other than your lover, and thus contributes to the dimise.

This really sucks.
Posted: 02/17/08 12:25

Guest

Jared says:

I'm sorry to here what happen to your son.

I was addicted to SL for about a month. Many people stay for days playing. This is ridiculous. I knew my life was out of balance, so I took if off my pc and cancel my account.

As parents, we must teach healthy boundries. My kids used to play hours a day playing video games. I stops this and now they play about 4 hours a week. They griped about if for about a week but now they're fine.

When we stop blaming others and start taking reponsibility then things will change. Show your kids that real life is much more exciting, build that relationship they are hungry for. Before you take away anything it must be replace with something just as good.

If not, then let's not stop with SL, let's go after Bill Gates, the people who develop the internet, the people who created the TV and etc. You see my point.
Posted: 03/06/08 15:17

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Thank god you had the good sense to stop playing this game. My son now had 3 accounts and lives in there as a robot. He gambles also.

Nothing I can do, as he lives 3000 miles away. I no longer feel like a mother.

My husband was operated on two weeks ago. I had told my son in an email. He knew it. He never called. When he moved (yet again) last week, he called us and I said "you knew your dad had an operation, yet you saw no reason to check on him?" I didn't preach, I know how to talk to him. He sounded like "why on earth do I care if dad had an operation".

The he emailed me explaining that because he doesn't live near us, our lives do not impact his. Isn't this lovely.

I wish they would ban all sorts of video games.

And parents, don't turn on a tv before they are 2. And later on, take them to the park. Don't just park them in front of a tv like it's a babysitter. Spread this word to every pregnant woman you know.

Let's get the message out there. Too many video addictions are happening.
Posted: 03/06/08 15:36

Guest

Martin says:

My wife has been addicted for 4 months now. She spends 40 hours or more per week on SL. She has a SL partner. That is, she has developed a deep emotional bond with another man. They talk, simulate sex, and send each other emails. I know that nothing physical has happened; but, I feel devastated. I can't believe my life has been ruined by a videogame. Anyone reading this, if you haven't tried SL yet, please tread carefully. You may ruin the lives of those who truely care about you.
Posted: 03/24/08 12:53

Guest

Travis says:

Yeah! Second Life is the devil! It raped my entire family and killed my grandmother with a knife! Took turns with us all, we were helpless, none of us have any self control. We're just mindless puppets now, devoid of any natural reasoning.

Get a friggin grip. Your son chose to do what he does, every day he makes that choice. He makes his choice to ignore his family too.

"This is the same as drinking, drugging, or gambling. It's an addiction. It destroys families. to me, the founders of Second Life should be arrested and put away for life.
They have destroyed families. Shame on them. Second Life should be banned from every home everywhere."

SERIOUSLY? When are you f-in quacks going to realize, you can ban things as a solution to idiots making the wrong choices. The problem resides in you son. You don't like the things a free society brings go start your own Amish colony somewhere. Think about these things before you say them. A half-wit can drink so much water that it will kill him, that doesn't mean that you should ban H2O because its a life-ender. The creators of Second Life provided the sandbox to play in, people like your son built it. End of story, any fault to be placed resides with the masses, including you son! IDIOT.
Posted: 04/12/08 14:53

Guest

Joe says:

As someone who has recently come to know the feeling of devastation, the story about having a second life partner is sickening. It is ruining their lives, their trust and everything else that they got together for. It is cheating, thru and thru. People who don't understand that have:
1 never been in love.
2 have never been cheated on.
or
3 no ability to feel feelings.

But at the same time, to blame the game is not owning your choices. Its passive enabling. "If it wasn't for that Second Life, my marriage would still be alive/son not a dousch/GF not a cheater," says the delusional zookeeper. Sure they all would, I say. They would just manifest their douschdom in a different way. One thing to realize is that the game is only what you make it. It could be a way to relax or it could be a pass to do horrible things you would most certainly not do in real life.

"But it's just data, flying from one machine to another over wires," says the cheeseburger-faced nerd. What Poindexter has failed to realize is that there are REAL people sitting in front of those machines with REAL feelings that get destroyed for REAL.

Flame on! I dare you.
Posted: 05/26/08 00:27

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Hello all!!! I am the original poster of this whole thread. But it's hard to add replies, so I hope this comes out. This is in reply to the one who posted on 5/26/08.

You know, you are absolutely correct. It's an addictive personality that is at play here. Not only the game. If there wasn't the game of Second Life, then there might be the bottle of alcohol, or the porn addiction, or anything else.

I do however believe that the ability to "get lost", in the virtual reality world for 10 hours a day, is feeding the isolation that accompanies this type of life. There can be no social life in the real world, if the gamer is INSIDE SECOND LIFE.

They might be saying "oh, I have friends in Second Life, I do stuff in Second Life". What the gamer does not realize is that NONE OF IT IS REAL. This is far different than playing a role playing game. That's a game.

Second Life is another existence. The gamer has substituted the REAL world for a FANTASY existence. The gamer has actually allowed is mind to GIVE UP family, loved ones, etc. to exist in something THAT IS NOT REAL. Oh, it's quite real to them at the time, because they don't want to face the outside world.

Think about it. It must affect the pleasure sensors inside the brain. The dopamine levels, the seratoniin levels. I mean, why else would a person spend 10 hours or more in something that is not real??? As Dr. Phil would say "What's the payoff?"

All I can say is I had a son who went to college, to loved me as a kid, who had friends over the house. I no longer have a son.

He is lost in delusional thinking. For him to change his way of thinking, for him to stop playing Second Life for 10 or more hours a day, he would need a reality check, a wake-up call, he would need them to stop giving him SSI, a roof over his head, and he would need them to step up and say "hey, you've got to go to work, WE are not going to support you any more.

Unless the powers that be do this, you will have thousands of people (mostly men with Aspergers Disorder), just turning their back on their loving families, and shrugging their shoulders and saying "why on earth should I have to work for a living, all my needs are met, I have medical care, I pay my bills, I don't have to leave the apartment, I get food, I have tv, a computer, cable service, etc. SO WHY SHOULD I WORK??"

Think about it. If you were 20 years old, never worked a day in your life, and you found a way to be taken care of, and you don't have to make the effort to go out, socialize, and risk rejection........well, that's the mind of a person with Aspergers, or any other socially inept disorder. There is, of course, help for these people. It's support groups. It's getting together with other socially inept people (of all ages).

But I'll be honest, when I hear that a married person, or a person's significant other, has left the relationship and gone on the computer for 50 hours a week, turned their backs on their families, well THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY AN ADDICTION, the same as drinking, drugging, and eating to excess.

If that person does not seek help, if that person does not want to change their life and more important, IF THAT PERSON CAN REALLY LOOK AND ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT THEIR BEHAVIOR IS DOING TO THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIFE, well that person should be ashamed of themselves.

It's up to the person with the addiction to want to change. others are absolutely powerless. I have learned this way of thinking by going to online support groups.

I've met many parents, and loved ones of addicts and they are tearing their hair out. Their loved ones are lost to them.

Addiction changes the way a person perceives life. It just does.

And sadly, in virtual reality addiction, well, there are really no support groups for the OTHERS. We are just forgotten. It's like we don't exist. The game is the key. It's the reason they get up in the morning.

Also, when you have a young person (like my son), who never held a job in his life, and exists in this manner, well I guess I would call him Peter Pan.

He won't grow up, he refuses to work, he only cares about his own happiness. Just like a 5 year old.

Think about it.!!
Posted: 05/26/08 07:27

Guest

SLwidow says:

I totally agree that this is an addiction. My husband and I both joined sl about 6 months ago...since then, I have popped in and out, chatted to people, all fine. But my husband has started to lie about how much of OUR money he puts into keeping his characters going, has an sl wife who he seems to see more than me...I have found her phone number on his phone...he "assures" me he has never called and says it is all a game...right...
When my husband chooses to spend all day every day with these "virtual" people it breaks my heart...have I been such a bad wife that he hides in his pc? Using the "game" as an excuse to have an emotional affair is pathetic...it is no different to emailing/texting but because there is a "character" it is all good...I think not.
I am saddened to hear about your son MelodyL, I hope that he does get the wake up call he needs...I wish you the best for the future.x
Posted: 06/03/08 04:56

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Thanks so much. I see absolutely no hope for my son, nor do I see a future for him. He stays in his apartment (3000 miles from us), He either watches his tv, or dvd, or he existes in this Second Life virtual world. This will be his life from now on. He does not have any personal hygiene, He does not comb his hair. He told me this the other night when he called us. He calls on birthdays and holidays. I gather his psychiatrist told him that as parents, we expect him to check in with us from tiem to time. This is not because he wishes to do this, it's because he was told to do this. If he did not have a psychiatirst, we would never hear from him. This is the future of young peopld with Aspergers. They are afraid of the real world and Second Life allows them to live out their fantasies.

I think this is very sad. Parents who invest all their hard earned money, feelings and just plain lives, and they do this all their lives until the kid graduates from school and then poof, it all goes away and the kid doesn't work, but just lives to go into Second Life. Very tragic if you ask me.
Posted: 06/03/08 10:23

Guest

Wildalaska says:

I started playing Second Life November of 2006. At first, I did the things I had fun doing, dancing and clubbing with my friends, shopping, changing my clothes non-stop, winning contests for a way to get more lindens to buy more stuff I didnt need.
I remember one day at a club I got into a conversation with a guy who was questioning my profile, my profile was happy, said I was married happily with kids, all that good jazz. This guy was asking about the validity of my profile, questions like how is your sex life? Do you have a online b/f, on and on, things like that. After grueling me for 30 mins, he says wow, I guess you are about the only normal person that plays this game. I blew him off, not really thinking about that conversation again.
I tried to be strong and not like everyone else in the game, lying, cheating, stealing other peoples g/f's and b/f's. But in the end temptation got to even me. A few months later I started talking to a guy that seemed to actually cared about everything I did, and my opinions and thoughts. I never,ever meant to get emotionally attached to him. Long story short, we talked for 6 months every day. He was consuming my every thought, I became withdrawn from my husband, family, my friends, everyone that has ever mattered to me in my life. Ive been married for 11 years, have 3 beautiful children with my husband, have been happy in general for the duration of our relationship.
It went to the point of I would include my sister into texting my b/f for me on my husbands days off, one day i sent the text to him accidentally. It was horrific, i hurt that man soooo bad you couldnt even believe, he cried for 3 days straight, couldnt even go to work, couldnt function, do anything but beg me to stay.
I stopped all contact with the b/f and am trying to make ammends with my husband. I uninstalled Second Life, and no longer have a need to play it anymore. I cant say it wasnt hard, because omg it was.
What inspired me to stop was watching so many friends, so many people I love get torn apart by that game. My father in law is leaving my mother in law for another woman on that game, hes so attached to SL that he spends $300-$500 a month on it. Every waking hour that hes not at work, he spends on the computer, and he goes into rages if he cant play, someone interrupts his gamplay etc.
Another friend of mine, whom I love dearly, is in love with a guy on the game, so she thought. She actually is a she!! Ive tried to convince her that she fell in love with a character on a game, not a woman! Shes married and has a child for Gods sake, yet shes so emotionally attached that she seems to have forgotten reality, and is instead living inside her computer.
You see, it really is a horrible addiction, and I hope that people can see not to play it, I almost ruined my life, not saying that its perfect, I have to earn my husbands trust back and its not going to be easy. Things in life are worth fighting for, and Im glad now I realize its my husband and children that need my love and attention, not SL.
Now thinking back to that conversation with that guy at the club, I now know what he meant by all his questioning, I just wish i could have seen it before all this happened. Wooot 2 months 7 days SL free! =)
Posted: 06/06/08 13:34

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

I hope your husband has some understanding of online gaming addiction. You owe him and your children a complete life. A life that includes your attention. Do not ever go in that virtual world again. It will suck you in.

I hope you get that second chance.

Best of luck.
Posted: 06/06/08 20:45

Guest

Stacy says:

I have just lost my partener of 3 1/2 yrs to second life. He even told me that he likes SL better because it does not bitch at him. It is devastating, especially since we have 2 kids together. He has been playing with increasing frequency for the past year and even got a virtual job DJing at a club there. He seems to have given up on reality and me with little apprehension. As a compromise he said he would only play 4 days a week when I am working but he wasn't able to even keep this agreement. He does not sleep for days and falls asleep standing up at work. He puts our kids to bed as early as possible when I work nights just so he can get back to the game. He even said he would rather quit smoking to continue playing, but for now he has just given up me and our family together.
Posted: 06/09/08 01:54

Guest

Holly says:

I have been addicted to SL on and off for 2 years now. Both my husband and I fell into the addiction. We thought we were so smart and our marriage was so good that we could play together - but yet each other have SL bf/gf ect. We got so bad into it that we bought an island even!!!
Trust me it was all a lie in our own heads to think it was not destroying us.
We thought oh but we are playing together - but we never did spend time together. He was off with his lady and I was looking for a guy to show me the attention he was showing his lady.
We tried the well its just a game!!
He has left SL - he finally has seen what its doing. I have been wanting us to leave for a while.
I will be totally gone - just log on to try and sell the land and maybe just maybe get back a bit of the money we so could not afford to put into this game.
I feel bad because I brought my sister- In law into the game and she is more lost in it then we even were. I feel the quilt of bringing some one in.
Please if you are in the game - and you spend more then a few hours here and there - get out - before you just can not seem to get out!!!!
Posted: 06/09/08 12:53

Guest

Michelle says:

I don't understand you people, I have been playing the game quite sometime and I am more than capable of distinguishing SL from RL. There are times I might be on there for 4 hours or so but then I don't even log in for a few days........it must be certain personality type.
Posted: 06/11/08 19:46

Guest

michelle says:

PS I have friends in the game (also known in RL)one in particular who has been on SL for around 3 years, he is by no means addicted. He spent many late nights in the game to begin with........but like me, he also has a real life worth living.
Posted: 06/11/08 19:50

Guest

LesPaul says:

SL is addictive and most of the people that spend too much time on it are lacking in their RL. In fact the last two people that posted just before me are far from being the average. I was into Rolplaying game on SL its where the most addicted are. A friend of mine was logged 72 hours sraigth without any sleep she is a nurse having night shifts. Sometime people will wait to go at the bathroom...I told her when are you gaonna put on diaper then ? its crazy. I am slowly loosing my RL partner in that game I already quit that cirkus but she doesn't seem to be ready. Its not SL that is causing couple to separate or break...its just accelerating the process
Posted: 06/12/08 16:29

Guest

michelle says:

michelle says:
I have a slightly addictive personality, I am aware of it and almost didn't create an SL account because of it, but I knew I was stronger than that. However, I think if I didn't have a good RL maybe I could become addicted to SL........maybe.

Having a decent RL is what you make it, I work hard, have a healthy relationship and a lovely home. These things are worth living for, but hey it takes a little more than sitting on your backside getting sucked into a game of cartoons.

I personaly think these people are of weak charactor
Posted: 06/12/08 19:49

Guest

MR NOONE says:

i feel so sorry for people who get hurt by this fucking game.. my life is in ruins.. my finace plays this 24/7 .. she dont matter about real life has long has shes selling her ass in the clubs for lindans cash ffs in that shite hole of a game... she says its her online job yada yada.. i know whats going on shes met some other men on there that are offering her a better life than i can give her.. im on the dole in england i got 2 lil boys and there my world.. has for the mother well its time to go our separate ways i think.. shes no mother she is a dirty online whore.. sorry for the language.. im so upset.. ban second life ban the pile of shite!!!!!!

i even went on her profile trying to catch the other guys she talking to behind mey back... she cooks dinner / tea then she eats it at the pc and me and my children sit at the table.. trying to eat my food looking deeply into my eldest sons eyes all innocent.. whats wrong daddy he said.. i replied nothing lil dude .. he said you look sad faced why daddy? hes it cause mommys on the pc again.. all that from a 2year olds little mouth.. im off to unistall second life .. more to life than this shit hell of a game
Posted: 06/17/08 01:18

Guest

LesPaul says:

Update to my previous post.
I finally lost her to that shitty game.
I no longer go on that wasting time grid where all those dreamers think they live when they are slowly dying.
What is even dumber is that some people think they met their soul mate (everyone did lol) and they are gonna be finally happy in RL if they can meet.
Bogus, have you ever seen junkies quitting their addiction by grouping together lol....
I laugh but its not funny, I lost my 7 years long girlfriend to that stupid game she got brainwashed by virtual romance...awakening is gonna be painful !!
Posted: 07/27/08 19:55

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

I am so sorry you lost your girlfriend. It seems that virtual reality is also as addictive as alcohol, gambling and drugs. It appears to be a safe hobby, but once you get involved into it, and it takes over your life, well, all I keep hearing is people giving up their outside interests, and their relationships, and moms actually forget they have kids in the house.

How sad!!!
Posted: 07/28/08 10:12

Guest

Sal says:

I have lost my boyfriend to second life; it is unfolding as I type. He started using SL in May of this year, he went on at first as a money making venture.
As he has been in internet marketing on and off over the years, I felt all was above board.
Over the last two months I have watched the man that I have spent the last sixteen years of my life with turn into a lying cheating, desperate man. I can only compare it with drug addiction.
He spent more and more time on SL at first it was some of the weekend and the odd hour or so during the week. This rose to him spending in excess of at least 70 hours a week on there.
Every time I went into his study he was shifty and angry and hostile towards me, he started detaching himself from me within a few weeks. Less affectionate, then he became more and more withdrawn.
I tried so hard to reach out to him to encourage him to talk, I read self helps articles and bought him gifts encouraged him to go on holiday.
What a holiday he took 2 lap tops and spent every night in the hotel lobby on SL, he came to bed later and later and was so absorbed in SL he couldn’t see straight.
Prior to the holiday I arrived home and he didn’t hear me, I heard him on the phone to his SL , girlfriend.
He told her he wanted all of her, that he wanted to do x, y and have her do Z. I listened to their conversation for nearly an hour and felt sick, and when confronted he said it was just a bit of fun and sexual deviancy nothing more.

We have had our ups and downs in the relationship before and have several times decided that we should end the relationship due to not having enough in common. Yet there is a deep and special bond and love that keeps us together.
Last night I went out with my boyfriend for dinner, for the last time, it was so bitter sweet. He was there and not there, I got the distinct feeling he was doing it to appease me rather than because he actively wanted to spend time with me.
Tomorrow he flies to the US to meet this woman, who he has never met in real life, last Sunday my world fell apart, when I found a transcript of their conversations. Him telling her how much he loved her, what they would do together, how beautiful their life together was going to be.
I was then told that he wanted to split up and that he was bringing this SL girlfriend to live with him. In our home, and that I had a month to leave. He has paid her money, and is sucked in so deeply by her I may as well not exsist.

This is the home I have shared on and off with him for nearly 12 years, I have lived overseas with him, given up numerous jobs and countless opportunities that would have benefited me personally.
This is the home that since we returned home too last summer, which is the last time he cheated on me in a personal growth centre he goes too. Yes I hear you, your thinking what a dumb, gullible woman I am.

I agree, my crime, I fell so deeply in love with this man and have invested 16 years of my life into making him happy. Now I am forced out of my home and everything that it has taken us a life time to build up. Because we are not married, I am not entitled to very much.
He is giving me some money which will help me clear some of my debts, but I am living my own private hell. I can’t sleep, eat, drink even it is affecting my job that I started just under 2 months ago. I cry so hard I throw up, I want to hold him, I want him to love me.
Yet I have to go, I gave him the option of not going to the US to see her, but he has chosen her. So I live my second life hell for now. The person I know has gone forever, replaced with a man having a mid life crisis in total denial of the damage he is doing.

He doesn’t want to hurt me he says he doesn’t want to cause me pain, after 16 years and doing everything a wife would do, and every spare moment spent building a happy home and supporting him in his life. It goes beyond pain, I go from numbness to shock, to anger, to fear. I hope that once I have moved out I will arrive at acceptance.

My friends have told me I am too good for him, I lied once in this relationship, I had an affair with a man who I fell in love with. I could not live with the lie, I told my bf and despite the guy I had the affair with asking me to marry him I said no. I chose my bf as I felt our love was so pure, and that he was the true love of my life.

That was 8 years ago, I confessed to my bf told him what I had done said I would leave if he wanted, and asked what he wanted. He forgave me and had his own indiscretions to even the score.

So now In the last week I have lost the life I love, the man I love and don’t know how I will get through the next few days. I am on sleeping pills and feel unable to make any decision. Yet I have so many to make.

If and when I am ever interested in having another relationship I will never date anyone with a strong interest in computers. I hate SL, it has ruined my life, it and various other forums are full of h
Posted: 07/31/08 03:45

Guest

Sal says:

I hate SL, it has ruined my life, it and various other forums are full of husbands and wives cheating. In my opinion they are cheating themselves as they don’t have the balls to face reality which is why they live in an alternate one.

I know the post is long its so hard to edit it as my head is just fried right now.
Posted: 07/31/08 03:52

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Sal:

I am so sorry about what your boyfriend did to you. The whole thing stinks. Nothing I can say, except...when you are ready, hold your head up and try and get into therapy. It just might set you on the right track. Right now you are depressed.

I have no idea why you would live with a man for so long and not protect yourself. But I'm not you and I guess young people do things different today.

But the next time you fall for someone, PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

You need to have your future.

Take care
Posted: 07/31/08 19:21

Guest

Sal says:

Hi Mel,

Thanks for your message, i wish i could say i felt better but i don't. I am all over the place, torn by disbelief and anger.
He flew to the US yesterday we are based in the UK, and it was so hard to see him go.
After 16 years and lots of happy memories i have lost everything.
Because i cant sleep i am struggling to make the most basic decisions.
Yes i am depressed, i have even been suicidal, he has told me that i can't as it would ruin his life.
He has ruined mine and yet im still supposed to go on considering him.
I have tried many times over the years to put a cohabitation agreement in place, he is not stupid.
All this week he has acted in a confused manner still telling me he loves me, kissing me etc etc Still trying to sleep in our bed.
I spoke to him when he arrived in the US and thats been it, weve had no further contact. I know he's hauled up in a hotel room with her and its excruciating.
I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. Yes i do need to have a future what that will be i dont know.
At the moment its all i can do not to have the entire bottle of sleeping pills next to my bed.
At least then i would finally be out of this hell. Yet that wouldnt be fair on the other people who love me and i know it always hurts the ones left behind the most.
I am going hour to hour right now and try and do anything that distracts me from what they are doing.
I hope i can grow from this and get on with my life but right now i am grieving so hard i can't see straight.

Thankyou for your kind words.
Posted: 08/02/08 01:58

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Sal:

I want you to listen to me. This guy has controlled you for a long time. You have lost your ability to think for yourself. You don't have a lot of self esteem. You can blame you?? I've been there. Before I got married and had my son, well I was a single woman and I made bad choices in men. Sometimes we have to go through lemons to get lemonade.

Your boyfriend sounds like he became addicted to this game, met a complete stranger online, who got to him, he is now flying off to meet her, and yes you are right, he probably is with her, but you know what often happens? When they meet, they find out that BAM, there really is no chemistry because this whole relationship is based on a complete fabrication. No one in Second Life is representing themselves in a truthful manner. It's a game. It's a fantasy.

Then when two people meet and they see what they actually look like, well, usually it's like a cold shower on their heads. They take one look and they go "THIS IS THE PERSON I'VE BEEN SPEAKING TO ON THE PHONE??"

Really!!! This does happen.

Now I have no idea if this is what is happening to your boyfriend. But I will give you some good advice.

First, you need to get your head straight. You are in mourning. Mourning a dead or dying relationship. You need to be in therapy. You need to be in co-dependant therapy. Go and try to find a support group close to where you live (don't know if you can find this). But go to a support group. You will meet others in exactly your situation. People who don't know how to exist without the significant others in their life. People who have pills by their nightstand. People who really don't know how to THINK anymore.

You need to do this. If you can't find a local support group, you need to find someone to talk to, (they have support groups online), people post messages back and forth to each other (kind of like what we are doing right now).

Do you have family?? Friends? Mom or Dad?

I certainly hope so because now is when you need them most.

And if you don't have anybody, you have to figure out WHY YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS. Did this man keep you from making frienships? Did he take all of your time and attention and what did he give you back?

If you tell yourself "well, I loved him, and he needed me and all my time and attention has been focused on him for 12 years, WELL, MY DEAR, that is classic co-dependancy.

You can get help.

Don't take any pills. I can tell you the old thing that "He's not worth it, don't cry over a jerk". But really, do you need to hear the obvious??

The guy is not dealing with a full deck, if he can dump you over a complete stranger. He's in fantasy mode right now. It's going to bite him in the ass.

You can choose to wait around and pick up the pieces, or you can choose to get on with your life.

It's YOUR CHOICE.

Best of luck.

melody
Posted: 08/02/08 10:43

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Sal.

I most certainly wish you well!!!
Take care,
Melody
Posted: 08/03/08 19:51

Guest

Dr. Thaddeus Buttmunch says:

Asperger'S?? Like the dude on Boston Legal?? HE actually has Tourette's I think. WHOOP BINGO!! Purrrrr...

The solution is chorionic villi sampling and throw the bad babies out. If they change the supreme court, use a sterile coathanger. Once the handicapped parasite is born, whether it's Schizo Bipolar Asperger's etc they will be a drain...

I saw a CSI NY rerun about this, tried to install SL but it crashed my Vaio so I just removed it
Posted: 08/10/08 12:27

Guest

sal says:

Hi Mel,

Well what a difference a few days makes! I have now moved on well and truly.
I have a flat close to my job, i move in on friday and i can't wait. Things have turned around in the last week.
Yes he went to the states and no bubble was burst he is as keen as ever.
Just because she is different and appeals to the trouser department. As soon as he realises he will have to work his ass off to keep her and she will not cater to his every whim like i did he will soon tire of it.
Either way i can honestly say ive moved on, ive sorted out counselling and have been for 2 sessions and have some excellent friends and family.
He has asked me twice to take him back over the weekend and keeps trying to touch and hug me and telling me how much he loves me.
Some moments it sends me into utter turmoil and into a sad and confused moment.
But thats all it is now a moment. I am geuninely excited about being single about being able to have the future i want.
I realise that i have become so repressed and hemmed in in the relationship i am now out of.
It's not me, and i want to break free, now i am. Sure i know it will be hard, lots more tears to come.
But then the sun will keep coming up and one day i will find the happiness i seek. Also what i know i deserve....
Thankyou for your kind words in my bleakest moments they helped keep me going. When your in a dark place you think the worst thoughts, words from a stranger do hit home.

Thankyou

Sal :O) 3 days to freedom..... yeahhhh!!!
Posted: 08/12/08 15:49

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Sal:

You are going to be fine. You need to build up your self esteem. You are worth it. Don't ever think you are not.

There is a wonderful guy out there for you. You just haven't met him yet.

Take care,

melody
Posted: 08/12/08 20:37

Guest

Marriage on the rocks says:

Well what can I say. I am going thru hell at the moment. My wife I have known for 12 years has been playing this game for 6 months and its completely ruined me. She is very addicted and has spent about £300 on the game. The only rule we both agreed on was that it would not get personel.
But shes receiving emails text messages and uses her head set in the game.
You really cant get any more personel than that and not to mention the 14+ hours a day she spends on it.
We have 2 young children and we are all suffering. I really love my wife but she has changed so much. If she keeps playing I cant fight it anymore and think I will leave her. So to the SL creators hope you are happy ruining people. But at least your getting paid
Posted: 08/13/08 12:03

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your wife, unfortunately, is addicted at the moment. You have to put your children first. Perhaps if she knows she is losing you and them, she might pick up her head and realize what she has.

Maybe you can call her doctor, explain, and he can get involved. This is serious stuff going on here. People don't understand. It affects families.

Melody
Posted: 08/13/08 20:06

Guest

Sal says:

Dear Marriage on rocks,
I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. You must act quickly if you know anything about computers un install second life.
Then if your able take her away from the home environment, if money is an issue see if you can stay with relatives.
Spend lots of time together as a family reach out to her before its too late.
I have lost my man to second life and a spiteful manipulative woman and my ex is so hooked he can't see her for what she is.
He has to find out the hard way and he has lost the best thing he has ever had in his life.
Don't become a second life statistic show her she is loved, needed wanted! Don't be complacent, don't let it happen I thank god i didnt have kids with my partner as i would not want them to see how much he has let me down.
I wish you the best of luck, be strong confide in a close friend or family member but make winning her back a priority.

All the very best

Sal
Posted: 08/17/08 14:40

Guest

OneYearGone says:

Thank God I stumbled on these posts, I feel so validated - the same thing happened to me - I lost my husband to the depths of SL. It helped to ruin my life, our life.
My story is very similar to the others here... we'd been married 7 years... had a child... we were happy... we dabbled in this new game called Second Life - "Oh, how cool! You can fly! You can breath underwater! Be a mermaid, be a wolf, be a cat!", and ANYTHING ELSE you can possibly imagine that you can't do in real life like, say, be a ROCK STAR or merely a very popular musician, or whatever (what my hubby wanted, I guess - more attention?)
Yes, now I am an SL statistic... he left me, his wife and daughter, for his SL, for a "real" gal who is also in SL too, as he was/still is a "musician" in SL.
Yes, I am still not over being left. I have had a very rough time of it, over more than the past year or so. I do have friends and family to help, some, and have been in therapy.
My STBX was "gracious" enough to inform me by email, before he left last August (after I found out he was having an affair), that he wanted me - without freaking out, mind you - to consider an "open marriage". SNORT!!!! This with his SL friends, etc... he even mentioned how some of his new SL pals welcomed this "polyamorous" lifestyle, and that it was the cool thing to do, that we should be open minded enough to try it out, etc. I DON'T THINK SO. I had no intention of doing that. I had already seen the sordid innards of SL - on my virtual tours by myself on occasion, I was curious enough to go sightseeing - but only sightseeing!! - and being that I was married, and took my vows seriously, I had no intention of shaking things up in my marriage at that time, and even when SL guys hit on me, and they did, I just ignored them. I wasn't "really" there, now was I? It was just a pretend place, I was only "pretending" to be there!! Most of what I saw going on just made me feel like I was viewing sordid behavior - that I didn't want to be a part of. The nicer parts of SL were pleasant enough, but too time-consuming, and my computer couldn't handle the size of the software, so it was too slow. So I bailed on the whole thing early on, but dear hubby hung on. And he dug in, and started to build his SL in SL. And then SL spilled into RL... and now - a big complicated mess, full of broken hearts, pain, lost friends, unfinished business, and a lot of muck.

I'll somehow make my way out of this... I have to finish up right now, as it's so late - there's way too much to go into, but I am so glad there are others out there that can understand how it feels to be undone by a stupid virtual reality world that takes real people from real life and sucks them away into the abyss of a second life that is only a fleeting fantasy, if that. Oh, wait, what I meant to say was, takes what was a loving husband and father away from his wife and little girl and changes his entire way of life. Unbelievable. I feel for all of you who have dealt with this sadness, whether it's your husband/wife/son/daughter/mother/father anyone. It's so sick.
Best wishes to all of you. Yes, any comfort is welcome to me too, but I have mostly taken comfort from finding this forum. Thank you for being here. And letting me vent a bit.
Posted: 08/19/08 02:53

Guest

Sal says:

Dear One year gone,
I felt the same way when i stumbled on this web site a few short weeks ago.
I HATE SECOND LIFE - I hope its closed down and that in some way it stops being used as a magnet for those weak and vulnerable souls that use it.
I feel total contempt for my ex, who treats me as if i don't exsist and keeps saying he could not do it any other way.
Sixteen years we were together, we did not have a child as you did which i now count as a blessing.
The problem is what happens when alternate reality becomes reality, it causes untold damage as we now both know to our cost.
I know long term i will be better off, but for now as i wait to move into my new flat on thursday, i hear him laughing with her, boasting to his friends about the hot new gf he has.
It hurts like hell, i am forced to go through second life hell it has robbed me of everything i have built up and valued for 16 years.
But i am determined that it will not ruin me, i will go on to meet someone special to get married something ive always wanted.
Then i will truly celebrate love, and my strength as second life attracts the weak, who just don't know how to say no.
Vent as much as you wish but please know that he has lost so much, be strong for your little girl and have faith in yourself and all you do.

Big hug
Sal
Posted: 08/19/08 13:20

Guest

Gertrude says:

So if SL destroys lives, get rid of it? Didn't work with Prohibition, did it? I've been playing SL for 2 years now, am not addicted, enjoy my time there, met the love of my life there (we've moved in together) and in no way believe that uninstalling a computer game will solve the problems inherent in all the above relationships. You all blame your little problems on SL... have you ever stopped to think that YOU might have something to do with YOUR relationship? Anything can replace you: booze, gambling, pron, hell, even reading or exercise can get addicting if it gets your loved one away from your co-dependent crybaby "blame everyone but me" attitude. Grow the frack up, people, and claim responsibility for your own relationships.
Posted: 08/21/08 16:41

Guest

Kyrah says:

Soo... your son seems to have chosen his life, he lives away from you, he actually burned the bridges.
Are you sure SecondLife is the thing to blame?

You know that once a kid hit majority and economic independence from you he can totally leave his family in the past right?
Some peoples think family is very important, some don't but for what i have been reading, your son do not ask for help, he also is an adult now.

Your son decide to take his own path and live a life that doesn't include his family.
Deal with it.
Posted: 08/21/08 17:49

Guest

Tony says:

I started playing SL 2 years ago, got pretty deep into it at first, I got socialising with hundreds of other people from other countries, using the inbuilt translator, met people who are wheelchair or otherwise housebound and relish the chancce to mingle and overcome their usual issues meeting people who judge them on their personalities rather than physical bodies.
I went in hard too many hours over a few months, explored the vast world of content built by residents within, and then pulled back a bit, and recovered brought virtual land, built a shopping centre,rented it out started creating objects and writing th ecomputer programs to operate them, reviving skills from 25 years ago when I first got a computer. After failed relationships, I met a lady who had intelect and creativity like mine I fell in love, a few trips across the country each way to visit eachother in RL and she moved in with me, we run a sucessful business together creating and although we still have RL jobs, we are enjoying the extra $300-700US per week.
Oh before SL, I was addicted to Atari, C64, Playstatiopn, WoW, CoH, Automotive Forums, Dungeons & Dragons, 4x4 racing, Newsgroups, TV and DVD's, smoking and I used to drink heavily.
Lets' just ban the whole evil internet perhaps...............
Posted: 08/22/08 01:53

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Kyrah:

It's once a kid hits maturity, not majority. And you have no idea what you are talking about. We only wanted him to get a job when he finished college. He has decided that after being with family for 20 years, to move away, sit in a room and DO NOTHING all day long. No contribution , no productivity, NO WOMEN, no socializing, and as he puts it "all I had to do was go on SSI and be taken care of".

Shame on you for not understanding. But you haven't reached MAJORITY, have you??

melody
Posted: 08/22/08 07:34

Guest

Kyrah says:

(on a side note trying to invalidate an opinion by discrediting it's author is very low.)

Actually i did reach majority MelodyL, i also have a family member who burned bridges with everybody, we don't know what is his job, if he is single or not, if he is dead or alive, the last time he made an episodic appearance is at the death of his father.

I can disapprove the way he live but i can't judge him for it or try to fix him if he doesn't want to see us.
It's his life, not mine.

You should let your son fly by himself. If he is really is the misfit you tried to depict, he will come back soon enough.
If not, either he will decide to live on the street or, as "addicted" as you might see him, he will manage to handle himself without Mommie.

I think you are living the typical period of time where a mother has to understand her little boy isn't little anymore and want to walk alone in the grownup world.
Posted: 08/22/08 09:24

Guest

Winter says:

What would your opinion of him be, if all he thought about was sex? What if he were constantly using women left and right? What if it was church? or Reading? or Old Movies? What if he took up the Violin and was so passionate about it that he invited you to a concert?

It sounds like your son has found a social outlet he's comfortable with.. and with his issues, it sounds like that's not an easy thing to come by. Second Life boasts over a million users a month. Your son has the ability to make friends, try romantic involvements if he chooses (without facing the same kind of fears one might face in real life).. he has the chance to build and run a business, or just to play in the sandbox with friends.

There are people who can turn Second Life into a viable source of income. (though admittedly, only a few can).

It sounds like he even asked you to "come play with him".. but you rejected him. It sounds like ghe's found something that works for him, and you're the one who is throwing him away, because his choices aren't ones you understand.

Someone needs to grow up a little here... and it may be you.

You seem so focussed on SEX. Your son MUST REPRODUCE. If he's not out there seeking sex, your mind automatically beleives that he's "lost". (dear god, what if he were homosexual? how would you react?)

This seems to be more about you not approving of your son's decisions.
Posted: 08/22/08 09:36

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

First of all, you should re-read what you two have posted. I do not think about sex.

We raised a young man who told us he was moving away to go to Game Design School. He lied. He started gambling. We tried to help. He wanted to gamble. We joined Gamanon. He has manipulated everyone around him for the past 7 years.

He told me point blank. "I do not want to work, why should I work, you owe it to me to support me for the rest of my life, all I need is to get on SSI" (This is not what young men right out of college need to be doing. They need to grow up and get a job, not go on virtual reality worlds).

I see that the younger generation thinks that they know it all and they can do as they please, and because the government gives them a check for the rent, houses them, and let's them not be a productive member of society, well obviously you all agree with this. I know many parents who put up their adult children in the basements and feed them and house them and say "Oh my poor son, he can't work, he hurt his back". There is nothing wrong with this guy's back, he has PARENTS who enable. I never enabled him. He told us his plan was to move to Arizona, move and go to school. He never accomplished any of these things. What he did accomplish is to go on welfare, and continue to lead a very unproductive life.

No exercise (he now weighs over 250 lbs). He is very unhealthy, he is a loner, he is EXTREMEMLY intelligent, but knows how to manipulate the system.

And how dare you imply that I rejected HIM. He walked away from his family, from his disabled father who has had several operations and not once did my son call and see how he was doing. We don't ask him for anything.

We gave him a foundation till he was 20, then he decided he wanted to fly on his own. I said 'go for it, just be careful". He flew all right. He flew away and never once looked back. And when a son tells his mother "you are no longer a priority of mine", well let me tell you something, it hurts big time.

I made the initial thread on Second Life to reach out to other parents and people who have had experience with losing family members to this virtual reality world. It's an addiction , plain and simple.

And yes, you are absolutely right, he is an adult, he has the right to walk away from family, to not be responsible for anything but getting up in the morning, going on the computer and doing nothing all day long.

I, however do not understand this mind set. How you can change from being a loving son, who celebrated holidays with family members, and then graduate college (with excellent grades), and then tell me "I never want to work, I want to be taken care of , you owe this to me because you gave birth", well it's extremely hard to understand.

The people who have written and put this all on me, well they most certainly have never been parents.

Don't judge until you walk in our shoes.

I don't need to grow up. I grew up, when I got my first job at 13. No one gave me anything. No one paid my rent, my bills, or bought me a tv and cable and a computer.

My son has accomplished all this without one bit of responsibility on his part.

I know many of you are going "wow, good for him, he worked the system".

Think so??? Yeah, but he lost the love of his family in doing this.

When you realize that a family member does not have your back, that he will not be there for you in any emergency, especially when you've been there for him until he was 20. Saw him through accidents, sat by his bedside, watched him through childhood illnesses and done all a parent is required to do (and then some), and when that person literally tells you "you are no longer a priority of mine", well how do you think that parent is going to feel?

Friends, family etc, are supposed to have each others back. No one said "don't move away". We supported him, believed him and said "wow, he's growing up, he wants to be on his own, go to game design school, and be SOMETHING in this world.

He is NOTHING. He does NOTHING. He sleeps, eats, and poops SECOND LIFE.

That is no LIFE, believe me.

And stop blaming parents for everything.

Put some responsility where it's supposed to be.

On the person who so carelessly hurts others.

Really now!!!!

Mel
Posted: 08/22/08 09:50

Guest

Winter says:

Stop putting the blame on a video game/social networking/development platform, and accept that as the person who raised this child to adulthood, you bear some responsibility for the person he's become.
Posted: 08/22/08 10:30

Guest

Kyrah says:

I think there is another issue between him and his family that is beyond the scope of SecondLife.
Some guy once said "Your friends you choose, your family you bear" .Of course it's a very pessimistic view of things but it summarise quite well the problem you seems to have. We choose our friends based on what we like in them, we do not choose our family.
THere ised to be a time when family bonds where stronger, but the cities where smaller and the communication technologies where limited, you where socializing with the peoples that where at foot range.
The computer era broke for good this barrier by allowing peoples from allover the world to share their ideas, feelings and over all socialize with peoples that are like minded.
I've met some amazing peoples on internet, some of them are truly brilliant and more interesting than any persons living around me.
For a long time my father was saying me i was doing nothing when he was seeing me at the computer, it's only now that i am working as a freelance 3D artist that he starts to understand what i was doing all along.

Unfortunately no sane person will take everything you say about this case as crystal clear truth, we are all biased when it touch subjects that we care a lot about, and it is going to be difficult to fully understand the problem as long as we won't have the other side of the story.

I'm not going to approve your son's lifestyle or disprove it, all i can tell you , is that you're beating on the wrong dead horse.
Posted: 08/22/08 10:42

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

I agree. I can't blame Second Life for his behavior. But it is rather addicting, (just read the other posting).

And the idiot who said to blame the person who raised him, well, that person should look up ASPERGERS DISORDER.

It's time that parents stop getting blamed.

People have to be responsible for their behaviors.

That's my last word on this subject.
Posted: 08/22/08 15:06

Guest

Kyrah says:

As addictive as any computer game really.
Posted: 08/22/08 15:23

Guest

Anouk says:

Hello MelodyL,

I agree your son has a problem yes and it isn't easy for you or your family. I've been addicted to SL for a year. I had good times but I also had bad times. I still play SL but I'm starting to hate it. All it brings me is drama.

I started playing one year ago because I had an depression. No one in RL understood me. Friends in RL left me because I was depressed. They didnt want to understand me. SL was the place for me. No one knew about my RL. They didn't ask questions. I could be whoever I wanted to be. It helped me for a few months. Until I noticed that I was playing 12 hours a day. I was addicted. All I did was think about SL. But it helped me in the first place. I had problems in RL. I looked out for help (and I got some just not from the people I needed the most)

You have to understand that 70% of all SL-ers play this game BECAUSE they have problems in the real world. For example the wife that cheated on her husband 8 years ago? Well he prolly never got over it. He found SL and forgot about his problems.

I'm not gonna comment on him leaving her for another woman. I can't look in his head. We don't know what got over him or how he felt. My point is you can forget problems in SL until you get problems there too (I got them alot thats why I'm sick and tired of it)

I'm pretty sure your son will see that too some day. He will come back. He just has to see that for himself. I really think he will wake up one day and see how f-kd this world is. You gotta have faith.

I really hope he sees the light one day. I wish you the best..
Posted: 08/22/08 18:05

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Anouk:

I am so sorry that your friends were not there for you. That can wreak havoc causing depression, and losing faith in just about everything in the real world. Your case is different than my sons. He never had friends after the age of 14.

He went to therapy and they told him he needed group therapy and not one on one. He wouldn't have any of it. Believe me we tried. Then when he went to high school, he sailed through it, got good grades. But he started to go on the computer after school. He did games and he was a computer whiz.
Then he got a full scholarship to college. He made the deans list. He used to come home and stay on the computer. My friends said how lucky we were that we didn't have a son who drank or did drugs. Like their kids did.

We did indeed think we were lucky. Then at age 20, he just left home. We really did believe the whole story about his going to game design school. Never happened. Gambling happened.

I really don't know what he does now because we don't communicate. I do know that he used to eat sleep and exist in Second Life. He rented an apartment there. I joined Second LIfe just to see what the heck he saw in it. I saw little avatars dancing at the disco. It seemed like fun for a few minutes but 12 hours a day? I just don't get it.

Then I went to some beach and I saw the most beautiful woman wearing the most gorgeous flowing costume. She explained that she does designs and people pay her to design the avatars. She looked almost human.

My son is a robot. On his Second Life profile he wrote "don't ask me about myself and I won't ask you about yourself.

He used to have 3 accounts. Then they stopped allowing gambling in Second Life (that's what he told me he did). When the gambling was stopped he once wrote me "we found a way to gamble in Second Life". There are private clubs or something to that effect. I don't get any of this.

Sure, I went into Second Life to see what he saw so amazing about it. I never got it.

I do however understand the need to make friends and not be alone. And what is safer than to go into a make believe world where no one rejects you, where you can run and play and not get hurt.

Unfortunately, as you came to understand, this is not life. Life is pain, and hurt, but it's also joy.

I see you think that my son will see this some day. From his past behavior and thought process, I really believe that he is too far gone.

But you on the other hand. I do believe there is much hope for you. You just need to (if you are able), join some groups, get out of the house, shut off your computer and LIVE!!!

You just might like it!!

I certainly wish you the best of luck and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words.

All the best.

Melody
Posted: 08/22/08 22:06

Guest

Anouk says:

Thank you for that reaction

I'm doing way better! I found a job.. so I'm gonna start working again. I'm talking to old friends again. I even go outside. Hahaha..

I laugh about it now, but there were times when I was locked in my house for a month. I'm glad I saw the light.

SL did good things for me tho. It helped me survive. Because if I didn't join this game last year. I prolly wouldn't be here right now. I found my best friend through this game (we meet every week without computer) and well.. I found love here.
I know what you will think but we already saw each other on webcam and we talked alot. We waited 1,5 before meeting and in october he will be here. We both were single so we didn't hurt anyone with it.

I love days without my computer. I can now stay offline for a month without feeling bad. I picked up my life again. It's not easy. I'm still a bit scared of the real world but I'm getting there

I can really relate to all the stories here. I've seen people end their marriage for someone they don't know. There's always two sides to every story, but I feel bad for the ones that lost their husband/wife/bf/gf to this game. I really hope you will all meet someone new and fall in love again. I wish you all good luck!

And Melody I really hope these stories and words help you. It doesn't help you get your son back but we hear you and understand your troubles.

Hugs
Posted: 08/23/08 09:27

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Thanks much.

I've had to re-learn what I think about life. I had certain expectations when I became a mother. Those expectations did not come to fruition. Nothing I can do. It just happened. My husband calls it a "living death". It's like you mourn someone but they are still living.

I cannot look at any photos of my son. They are all turned face down in my drawers, in my closets. My husband had to go through the photos to pick out some of my mother. I could not do it. He understood. I spoke to a psychologist friend of mine, and she explained that my mind is in mourning. I completely agree.

The bad thing is what this has done to my health. I am finally back on track. But when people ask me about him, or I discuss him at length, well it affects my stomach. It just does.

But I'll get through this. I've been coping for almost 7 years. Taking care of a sick husband.

It is what it is.

Anyway, I wasn't sure if you were a guy or a gal. Now I know you are a gal (at least I think you are a gal....lol).

I hope things work out with your new guy.

Take care,

Melody
Posted: 08/23/08 17:23

Guest

Lone_wolf says:

I feel that it is not the game's fault and the game should definitely be there! It is the gamers who should control the time they spend playing and honestly, I don't get why people always blame the games etc. when it is the person who lacks the self-control, self-love and ability to control their own impulsivity (to play the game). It is totally unfair to say the game should be banned just because you got addicted. Control yourself! Set some limits and ground rules!
Posted: 08/25/08 08:02

Guest

guest says:

Dear Melodyl ,

English is not my first language , so i want to apologize for any mistakes i might do .
I'm really sorry for your son , your son is exactly like my older brother . My big bro is addicted to World of warcraft game since 5 years and he's still.... He do nothing but playing that stupid game , eat , and sleep... he turned his day into night and his night into playing that game, he is anti social, he's lazy to take a shower , he dont shave, he smokes heavily, he dont call anyone..yet he is 28 years old, he havent graduated , eventhought my parent will do anything for him to go to uni. ... My mum is always in pain , i saw her many time crying for my big brother...yet he lives far away from his home country, far away from his parent.... He dont work , he still ask for money. I'v been visiting my brother from time to time , and he's still the same...same view...now i moved to live with him...and it's just a sick world , i know no one in this city yet i keep going out...(i'm not worried for that i'm sure i will meet people when i start uni)I keep being nice with him , I keep talking to him , because i'm still hoping that he will wake up someday. The amazing thing about my brother that he is a real genuis guy... he can speak fluently 5 languages and he was on the top in highschool , he knows everything about cars, politics , he's smart , a good looking guy . He dont feel ashamed when he ask for money... The biggest mistake that my parent were sending him money , until i convinced them to stop doing so (they keep paying the appartment thought) But there's always a way for him to get money ,He only need 25$ perday for his smoke and food and thats it . (i dont want to say how he's getting them)
My parent can never ever be blamed and so you are... in fact you did your great job to raise your son...but i can tell , your son and my brother are just rude.... we are 4 brothers , he is the oldest... my other brothers graduated , and they are working with their degree... they have passion to their life... I'm the youngest and i graduated now i'm going to do my master in where he is living... i'm just telling you that as a proof that my parent can never be blamed and so you are.... My mum keep calling me to check on me , i sometimes happen to see my brother awake...so i'm like do you want to speak with him , she goes with no thats okay... She's really tired of that...he makes my mum look older... She even moved to live with him , so that he goes to uni. or pushing him to do that...that didnt really help...it was her worst years because she lived single in his appartment that my parent are still paying...

it's okay melodyl , shit happens... you did ur job and now just abandon him...i know it's hard , his friends from homecountry keep asking me bout my brother...and they are all married with children , and for sure working...i go like yeah my brother is fine...he's working and happy ...i guess i have to lie about it...
I really have no clue about what's the matter with my brother... I just can hope that he will wake up someday and follow the flow...

Bytheway , i'v found your post by mistake.... my friend over msn , that i'v been chatting with her for 4 years , she mentioned about Second life game and she wants me to get in so that i meet her there.... but hell , the name of that game is fucking scary....so i was doing a research to see if it's worth playing.... it's not worth it... i bet i will get addicted to it if i'm going to play...and please people dont fake your self that you are strong....this is not a game , game has END , you either WIN or LOSE....games such as World of warcraft and SL has no end...
thank you for your post that make me choose the right decision about second life...
CHEERS and enjoy your life , maybe your son will wake up , maybe not.... you did a great job
Posted: 08/26/08 15:16

Guest

bill1465 says:

SL is the most least secure website on this planet SL is a place for and where some i ,said some people make a fake profile just to chat with vulnerable people SL is a place where most girls will say hey im a model!! and the guys answears and im well hung ! ferget drugs SL is the most addictive vice you will find and its free to download you sit there completely addicted to the next fix off IMS TPS or makeing new freindships with off course perfect strangers,,,,LOL it starts off as well just a bit off fun but slowley SL will eat at your RL you will cast comparisons on your RL girlfriend wife etc thinking caarnt you just go out so i can log on be with my SL sweetheart and chances are you will never ever meet them we try to fix our SL if its broken yet RL we let it reamin broken shatterd you dont eat ,,, you dont sleep... you just sit alone in your room in front off the computer you will now suddenley define your self by how many friends you have on SL you skip days off college you skip days off work maybe even lose your job you read so many SL profiles you may even believe you passed these people in the street, the addiction gets greater so you make your self another ALT begin a new SL but realley its just going be the same as your first one,,only this time you carnt have comfort in well i was only new? your now addicted to point off loseing things in your RL you may have 900 friends and not one will you ever meet,, its amazeing how populer you can be sat alone night after night behind your computer with your SL friends but your still alone, if you lose your SL girlfriend you can always stalk her useing your other ALT or alias a very negative thought on SL but afraid its true,,,,, least for me, and some other people who helped me write this thank you for reading ,
Posted: 08/30/08 12:38

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Wow, thank you for your post. It sounds like SL is the MOST addicting thing on the internet at the moment. To give up your real life for a fake one, well, it makes absolutely no sense to me. I wonder what the future will hold for all of these virtual gamers???

Time will tell.

Until then though, families will be lost to this horrible virtual world.

Just my opinion

Melody
Posted: 08/30/08 20:21

Guest

Bill1465 says:

hi Melodyl ,im the above poster i stumbled on this page and it certainley strikes a chord with me , im sorry about your son i hope in time he quits SL he needs to know theres more in life than this virtuel community. I use to be myself a realley heavey addicted secondlifer, i have in RL a lovely girlfriend and a daughter we have been together for 16 years and for all off that time ive spent as much time with them as i could ,,well untill i got into SL then i neglected my girl friend i even did the most evil thing by getting a girlfriend in SL and in my profile i would say i loved her and how happy she made me , my rl gfriend saw my remarks and said how deeply hurt it made her feel and i carnt blame her..needless to say it caused quite a lot off presure and doubts in our relationship her asking do you love me anymore? well enoughe was enoughe,,i ended things with my sl gfriend and ive never ever got involved again at that time i was very low in my RL my nephew had just been stabbed fortunatley he lived,,my mum was very ill so i took a escape in SL people were so lovely so comforting,, well comforting as long as i put in the mad insane 17 hours when i dident stay online as long as they wanted or dident agree when they wanted they stopped comforting me,,,most off people on SL are just control frieks im back in love with my RL girlfriend spend heaps off time with her i play SL at night for a few hours more now out off Curiosity in my profile there is only one girl in it i love and its my RL girlfriend she plays it at weekends with me, but realley SL does distance you from RL it ampliefys feelings it opens insecurites and doubts about your self its realley just like a illustion the awesome graphics the romantic music it really can play around with your mind, the guys ive met and know the way they talk to there girls on SL is unbelieveable,, so romantic its like they swallowed some best selling love novel , when in RL they havent one romantic bone in there body when i asked them where you get your inspiration from?? they say ohh i just look on gooogle web site for all the great one liners its pathectic and sad sure we all love sweet words but one thing you carnt get on SL is toucheing its so cold i realley believe its the ADULT content in SL that makes it so populer,, cartoon sex seems be the rage in SL lol its rarther sad to think a huge amount off people spend all there free time on a video game,when they could be doing more worth while things after haveing played SL for over a year my thoughts are most people on it are lonley are lacking in self esteam confidence SL is a virtuel game fueled by real wants and real desires and for some when love and real life are say less than perfect the escape that SL offers can be more seductive than RL its self... they have given up on RL its really quite sad they think i carnt be anyone in RL but i could be some one in SL thats rubbish you CAN be some one in RL you have to believe in yourself i know this i would sooner ok have a few friends yes than a load off phonie friends who will leave me when some thing better turns up well,,thanks for reading and melodyl i hope soon things improve for you and your son and as ive read seems we are not alone ive read all this page its truley disturbing the damage that LINDEN LAB are doing take care melodyl best wishes bill..
Posted: 08/31/08 13:59

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Thank you very much Bill:

My son has had various avatars inside Second Life. But...they are always robots. I have no idea why. He once sold his soul on Ebay. He drew up a document and some idiot paid him $15.00 for his soul on Ebay.

Don't know what he is doing these days. If I want to know if he's alive, I just send him an email asking "Did you know about this or that?, and he'll reply with an answer (this is how I know he is still alive, still in front of the computer and still doing "his thing".

He has never worked a day in his life, yet he has an apartment, a computer, cable tv, a phone, medical.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I worked for absolutely everything I got when I was his age. I've worked since I was 14. I became disabled in my 50's and my husband is ill (but even disabled, he went to work).

The sad part is that my son never even asked about his father (or me for that instance).

He was nothing like this when he was younger. It all changed radically when he took his first trip to Arizona and then came back, packed up and moved out.

I see what goes on around me with younger people today. I don't know what is happening in this world. It's a completely different world than the one I grew up in.

I'm a mother, but then again, I no longer feel like a mom.

How sad.

Anyway, I most certainly wish you well.
Take care, Mel
Posted: 08/31/08 16:14

Guest

Kyrah Abattoir says:

You know it's kind of funny, the way i see things i that now a lot of young peoples do not want of this world. They feel powerless in front of an all seeing all controlling governments that do not care about anything but control and money.
These young peoples do not want to live in what they consider as slavery in a golden cage.
That's why some decide to shift their life in secondlife.
What is real and what is not can be defined by our senses only. if you can see it and touch it , is it real or is it just an impulsion sent through your nerves to your brain?

Finally what is real or not isn't that important if you find a place where you feel like it's where you belong. Secondlife is addictive because it's inhabited by real peoples and because it is a virtual world where the restrictions of the reality do not exist.
It's hard to conceive especially if you care about the person but there are peoples that where born again when they came in secondlife.
Economical crisis is everywhere today, unless you are at the top of the ladder in a filthy multinational, you usually do a tiring job paid with moneys that keep loosing value, strangled by taxes and various obligations.
If you could look through the window and jump in a new country where none of this exist wouldn't you?
Posted: 09/02/08 00:54

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Hi Boatbumm:

I see your point but I can only view this problem with the eyes of a mother. When you raise a child and then that child just throws you away, well I can't see this in any other way except to feel the way I feel.

Would I go into a brand new country if I could (like Second Life), where everything is fake??

At my age, no. I am comfortable in my skin. I went to work, I paid my dues, I fulfilled my responsibilities, both to my immediate family and to my parents.

To have all this just given to you and not earn it, well, it doesn't seem right in my opinion.

Children (no matter how old), should never just walk away from parents. Especially if those parents were good parents. I could understand it if he came from a home where there were various abuses, yelling, hitting, screaming, etc.

That was not my home. He went to college, He could have gotten any job he tried out for, that's how brilliant he is.

No, he made choices that I don't think were correct.
He has no future, no family, no friends,

All he has is a fake world with fake people, fake money.

You can't hug fake people, can you???

Think about it!!
Melody
Posted: 09/02/08 21:17

Guest

Ann says:

Hello Melody,

Me too was addicted and i didn't even notice until my whole life went down. I must admit I was a lonely girl and was blinded by the contacts i had in SL and didn't have in real life. But it took over my whole life and i had a real hard time before i was able to cut my self off it. I lost many friends and specially the fact that SL is thé world where is cheated, lied the most, where cruelty is normal, where there is no social control and so on hurted me lots. Everything can go there. For exemple: las tnight i popped in and read a group chat where one man asked for real life 'sexual' pictures of girls. The most astonishing is: lots of girls just gave them. Things they never would do in their real life.
If SL was society in real life, there would be chaos and harm, not the fun social world as they make you believe.
Oh, and there seems to be a second life police force, but nobody can find them...
Posted: 09/14/08 03:02

Guest

GingerBelle says:

Hey, where else can you go to buy a new body? Or see giant billboards that say "GENITALS FOR SALE"!
Posted: 09/16/08 12:57

Guest

Steve Johnson says:

Hi Melody and all other who came across this

I am firstly going to be one of those people who most of you want to kill as I've been involved on SL for over a year with a married women.. We have already more than crossed the SL/RL barrier in e-mail, SMS, daily voice chat and even Webcam. The only thing we've not done is met in RL, several 1000 miles is the main barrier.

Neither of us were looking for this but it just happended.. things grew overtime. After reading this post I do feel like crap... I sholdn't be doing this... however...

This woman told me she has already had an RL affair... and I am damned sure she had an SL affair too! - despite so many people telling me in SL I am so lucky.. because this girl talks to almost anyone in SL. I am now thinking I am far from lucky.

First count seriously thinking of breaking this up and ditching SL, To save her RL marriage is a big concern to me, despite previous above!

To remain totally on topic, my point to this thread, I recently moved out from family home to my own. Since this time I have spent more time on SL that before, own RL place makes this so much easier and as Melody stated I think I've already started losing contact with Friends and Family not to mention taking days off from work and turning up late!

Basically after reading this I found SL has taken me over quite a lot, although in my case I've been eating less and gone from overweight to average weight for my height!

I am thinking at this point, while I can see what is going on my best bet is to ditch this girl and leave SL, I will find it painful because I seriously developed feelings for this lady but not sure if I feel I know her anymore and think she is holding me back in RL.

I read this entired thread about SL and so many things hit home, any advice greatly accepted.

As of time of writing this I am a few hours from doing usual voice chat with this lady.. Not sure what to do.. do I end it?
Posted: 11/27/08 12:57

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

First of all, in my opinion, you should not be even talking to her. I'll explain why. She has "played around before". This means, that while you think you have feelings for this person, you actually have feelings for the avatar (or who she is represented by). You don't really know this person. You might have seen her on the webcam but you haven't spent any quality time with her. Just forbidden time. She's married, she's not free. She took a vow and she's broken it. Don't further involve yourself because this seems "exciting" to you.

Anything forbidden is exciting. The Second Life part of this is that you might think that "no one is getting hurt".

When Second Life (or virtual anything), over-rides the real world, than yes indeed, in my humble opinion, YOU are going to get hurt because you can't see the long term ramifications.

You have to be accountable for your actions. Having a rendevous with a married woman is not the best thing to happen to you.

Why?? Well, all morality and scruples aside, this woman has BEEN AROUND. You have no idea if she has any sexually transmitted diseases, HPV, whatever!! You just don't know. She's not monogamous. She probably never will be.

Do yourself the biggest favor. Call your family, tell them what you've been up to and ask if you can visit. See how they respond.

It's a start.

Go for it. But keep away from that woman. You don't want to be suckered into meeting her, falling for her and getting no where. Protect your feelings and your life.

You asked for advice. You just got it.

Melody
Posted: 11/27/08 16:02

Guest

Matt says:

Mel and all of the others that have been hurt by this game also. I almost got sucked into it do. I play some RPG's and stuff like that and SL seemed ok until I joined, Then i realized how F-cked up some of the people on there were so i quit before i got sucked in. I only played about a day, I also realized that a lot of stuff you had to pay REAL MONEY FOR, on all the games i play I NEVER EVER PAY REAL MONEY FOR ANYTHING ON IT IF YOU CAN PLAY FOR FREE!!! only games i pay real money for are the ones in the stores. I do have lots of friends online though, more than in RL but I don't think im sucked into it or anything. O and btw i read the WHOLE THING! took 2 hours lol

Also, the reason i have more friends online is because im autistic, I think that's why. most autistic ppl cant even talk or write or anything or are only good in 1 subject, like they can be a complete genius in math but get all D's or F's in all other subjects, I get all A and B's, the only effect autisum still has on me is that im kinda shy (ill talk if some1 else talks but they have 2 keep it going) and i spell kinda bad...(as you might have noticed) anyway, back to topic, I invited one of my RL friends 2 play it 2 but its a good thing i stopped it b4 he finished downloading! (he has uber slow internet :P) I hope all of you can get better. O and those ppl that said its the parents fault and had no sumphathy for mel or the others,calling them weak etc well ur just cold, plain and simple. (only aay I can put it without "language"
Posted: 11/27/08 21:05

MelodyL

MelodyL says:

Hi there Matt: Thanks for taking the time to write. Your spelling was fine, and you communicated just fine.

I wish you well on your journey in life. You sound like quite a young man. I hope you fulfill all your dreams. I really do.

and I also hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

Take care, Melody
Posted: 11/28/08 07:08

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